Yesterday I went to church alone. This doesn't happen very often. When I go, it's usually with the whole family. I spend a good portion of the time juggling books and silent toys in effort to ensure that the Punks aren't disturbing out neighbors, or wisking a noisy kid off to the cry room when it just isn't working. Although I am not able to focus on every word, I leave still feeling as though it was an hour well spent. I am comforted by the predictable rhythm of the mass. Oh, and I love me a good hymn.
On occasion I go to an evening mass alone. I sink into the rhythm and immerse myself in the rituals. It's quiet and my mind responds as you may or may not expect. As a stay at home mom there is very little quiet in my life. During mass I spend a good deal of time assessing where I am and how I am doing- my mind races.
Lately it seems during this time that all of my inadequacies are revealed.
By communion I am more often than not a bit weepy. In fact, my priest has commented on several different occasions that it must be a terrible cold I have.
We have only been a part of this community for a little over 2 years. It is strange to attend mass when I cherish being a part of the community yet when I am there I sink into the solitude. Today I feel a bit torn between wanting to go alone and work through this stuff and at the same time wanting to go with the family and relish the familiar and comforting rituals.
Just what I am thinking about.