Sunday, February 04, 2007

Revealing Inadequacies

Yesterday I went to church alone. This doesn't happen very often. When I go, it's usually with the whole family. I spend a good portion of the time juggling books and silent toys in effort to ensure that the Punks aren't disturbing out neighbors, or wisking a noisy kid off to the cry room when it just isn't working. Although I am not able to focus on every word, I leave still feeling as though it was an hour well spent. I am comforted by the predictable rhythm of the mass. Oh, and I love me a good hymn.

On occasion I go to an evening mass alone. I sink into the rhythm and immerse myself in the rituals. It's quiet and my mind responds as you may or may not expect. As a stay at home mom there is very little quiet in my life. During mass I spend a good deal of time assessing where I am and how I am doing- my mind races.

Lately it seems during this time that all of my inadequacies are revealed.

By communion I am more often than not a bit weepy. In fact, my priest has commented on several different occasions that it must be a terrible cold I have.

We have only been a part of this community for a little over 2 years. It is strange to attend mass when I cherish being a part of the community yet when I am there I sink into the solitude. Today I feel a bit torn between wanting to go alone and work through this stuff and at the same time wanting to go with the family and relish the familiar and comforting rituals.

Just what I am thinking about.


Wes said...

Well, I'm not sure why having the time to ponder your life and your future would make you "weepy", but I hope that you find the time and comfort to find out what is right for you. Best wishes, Meg.

wsh1266 said...

I know what you mean. I write about how I'm feeling, I end up in tears. Is it catharsis in getting the feelings out from where they are buried in the day to day chaos, and very rarely do we have time to just be our own person? Maybe. I think one thing to think about is that it is about the journey, not the judgment. We SAHM's want to feel we're getting something done, making a contribution, and so often, it seems like it is the same crap, different day.
(hence my vote for international "nakee" day- (named after John's prancing through the house shouting 'Nakee boy, nakee boy'... when he was 3), so that for once, all the clothes in the whole house can be put away, where they need to go, all the laundry done... then I can take a picture, look back on the moment fondly, and know that it is possible.)
Always remember it's not about perfection, it's about being happy and content. Dirty dishes can wait- kids grow up fast.

Mrs. Chicken said...

I almost always cry at Mass, when I am praying after Communion. It is such a vulnerable state.

Hope you are feeling better today.

I found this to be lovely.

WannaBe5Ker said...

But that is the magic of worship, no? The ability (and permission) to be in our own place, our own situations and confessions and edification, and at the same time, be in the presence not only of God, but of others who are also in their own place, their own worship...

Glad you got a moment for you without juggling snacks and keep-busy toys (I know this too well) and were able to be in your own space and place.