I remembered something this past week. It is really hard to be good when you hurt. I hurt right now. I have seasonal allergies which require me to take a daily pill from March- December. This is not a terminal affliction. I'll live. As a matter of fact I can usually take my pill as soon as I open my eyes in the morning and I am relatively uneffected for the whole day. I can live with this. However, there are about 10 weeks a year that this is not the way things work. For about 5 weeks in the spring and 5 weeks in the fall I want to saw off my head with a dull butter knife.
During this period of time I double up on my medicine, add a prescription nasal spray, and an occasional supplemental antihistamine. And I still want to cry. Nothing seems to touch the pain in my head, and my upper jaw feels like each tooth has a toothache. Every tooth. The doc doesn't really have any suggestions. I convinced her to put me back on an rx that I tried a few years ago. It was the only thing that managed my symptoms. It was great. Oh, except that I had some troubles and wound up in the ER with symptoms of diverticulitis. But my head felt great. Maybe that won't happen this time.
It's so so fun. I am grouchy and every speck of backround noise makes me want to blow a nutty. It makes it really hard to be a good mom. I have been rather short tempered with the Punks. Today we got home from the library and it was taking forever for Clay (4 and 11/12ths years old) to get out of the car. We had no place to go and other than eat lunch we had nothing to do. I was staring at the mess on the floor of the van and just waiting for my kid to get out of the car. It was taking what felt like a really long time. Ordinarily I'd've just picked up some of the crap on the floor or made a joke or whatever. I did ok on the outside, I wasn't too snarky, but on the inside I was so freakin' irritated. And when the baby went down for a nap, and I really should have spent some 1 on 1 with Clay. I didn't. I sent him away for some quiet time. And while usually that means quiet time for my boy, today it was all about me.
Some days it is just so hard to pull myself up by the boot straps and do right by my kids. After the 1st day or so I got so tired of shushing and explaining that I wasn't feeling well. I'm trying hard now not to do that at all. This really sucks. I can't not be a mom for 10 weeks a year. I can't stand the thought of being a lousy, cranky mom for 10 weeks a year.
How do you handle it when life gets in the way of being who you want to be?